To feel is to break free

I’ve never felt for so long. Surprisingly, it felt good to feel again – even if it was turbulent emotions and pain.

Ever since a particular incident with him, I’ve never felt for anyone. I’m not even sure what is considered ‘feeling’, how it feels like to have a real crush on someone, or how it feels like to like someone for who they are. It’s a vague concept you can’t describe in words, so I fail to understand in words as well. Reading up all about it doesn’t help me understand the feeling better. It only gives me some knowledge that gets thrown out the window once the feeling hits you and your rationality is lost in a pile of cards.

No, I haven’t gone through a breakup or anything like that, please don’t misunderstand. What I’ve gone through is a mess of mushy emotions that I feel uncomfortable describing because I don’t understand it and I don’t know how to deal with it. It was the last thing I wanted to experience right now and it was completely uncalled for. I guess this is why it’s called a crush. You can’t control it no matter how much you will yourself to. So I live in despair with it.

It felt good to know that I was not numbing my emotions. It felt good to accept the fact that I did feel and that I did have an experience with it. It felt good to know that I am not feeling-less. I’ve been doubting my ability to feel for very long after all that happened to me, and I must say that I’m relieved I have the ability to love someone. Trust is another issue altogether but at least I can feel. It’s a step somewhere, though where, I cannot see.

Catharsis. That’s what it is. Finally letting myself go; accepting this emotion, and letting it go.

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