My scattered thoughts bring me no answer, but I try so hard to understand things. There are a thousand and one mysteries for me to figure out and frustrate myself over, but instead I choose not to let the intricate web of the unknown wrap around my head. It is a strength to be able to control one’s thoughts, and that in itself is worth challenging.
The mind has a mind of its own.
One thing I’ve tried so hard to understand is the weekend, or more specifically, Sunday.
Sunday is stereotyped to be the day of ‘rest’, or the Sabbath day. Nevertheless, Sunday can be filled with activity – hanging out, classes, studying, play, sleep – you name it, it happens. Sunday is definitely not the type of day you’d imagine and hope for, the type of day where you get to snuggle in bed, wrapped up in your cool blankets amidst the still cold and crisp air with a book in hand. It appears in feeds all the time, but the number of times that actually happens without any worries is probably less than five percent. There are always more important things to do, and unfortunately, lazing around in bed and reading is not favourably looked upon as something significant to do. Just like how parents think that studying in bed means you’re slacking because you’ll doze off, reading in bed isn’t viewed as anything productive either. It’s a luxury, a pastime, a reward.
It didn’t exist for me until I graduated from high school last November. As I’m waiting for university to begin now, I find myself at a loss of what to do on Sundays. In the past, I used to be absorbed with a ton of things to do – church, homework, studying, more homework, trying to squeeze some time to relax, etcetera. Not doing anything or resting actually felt illegal. It made me worried and anxious and it didn’t help to make me feel a lot better. On the contrary, it only helped me in procrastinating my work (which is something I’ve significantly improved on in my two years in high school, hurray!). Sunday was a busy day, a day of catching up, a day of preparation for the week ahead, a day of mundane routines.
But right now, I’ve suddenly plunged into the other extreme. Sunday, when nothing is planned, is boredom. After going to church in the morning, I don’t have anything to do – no drawing, no portfolio, no homework, no studying and no work as well. It’s amazing but it doesn’t bring me any inexplicable sense of joy. I realized that while I hankered after being free from school and exams, I didn’t have a concrete plan in mind on how I wanted to pass time. I didn’t have (and still don’t have) the resources to do what I wanted to do either. Sunday has become a day I get to sleep and rest in peace. It’s become a day I actually am able to enjoy cuddling in bed with a book, all curled up and free of worries. However, that doesn’t happen often either – dad still looks at me with the do-you-seriously-have-nothing-to-do face with all the expectation of me actually doing something productive. It’s become pressurizing once again and I’m at a loss once again.
There’s no right or wrong. The things we choose to do at a certain time is our decision. We should know when to prioritize work and when to let loose and play, but somehow the notion of staying in bed doesn’t come close to playing. It’s just being lazy. Even if you had nothing to do, you would be woken up from your slumber to ‘get your lazy ass out of bed’. Most of the time, it’s a given. *Plays The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars in my head*
I wonder what weekend is for right now. At a phase where I have nothing to do and all the time to wait, waiting can become very agonizing. I pass each day thinking of what I could do to add colour to my otherwise mundane life, but I find no clear answer to my choices. Based on my current situation, I can’t pack up my bags and leave for Finland the next day just like that. I’m most likely going to have to befriend my computer or my bed once again. It’s not an exciting thought since I’m not one who enjoys online entertainment. More often than not, I make plans in my head and think thoughts. I create scenarios and stuff in my imaginations and dream of everything impossible. In that world, there is no limit, and bizarreness is accepted. Just like the dream I had last night, I hope to find my interests and excitement in my virtual world of dreams and love. It’s not going to happen, but I really do wish for my dream last night to continue itself. I love how different it is from the usual things I imagine and I’m exhilarated about it. Something small but something big.
‘Always remember to fall asleep with a dream and wake up with a purpose.’ A quote I found on tumblr recently which resonated with me, I want to live each day more rejuvenated and optimistic. This is the time I’ve always been waiting for, and while I don’t feel it, it’s factually here, and I have to make good use of it. This is the time I get to try out things without burdens, so I have to seize the opportunity. Don’t let emotions rule your life, but embrace the emotions that you feel.
Even as I lie in bed right now typing out some of my random thoughts in this blogpost, my mind is occupied with other issues and problems. Life is definitely not smooth-sailing even with nothing to do or even those travelling, so I’ve come to embrace the fact that there is nothing perfect in this world. Whatever seems perfect is only our finite and flawed perception of perfect. In our perspective, this is the life. This is the way life should be lived, so it is perfect. However, it is not.
I’m looking forward to the next weekend again even as this weekend draws to a close. Each weekend brings me closer to a day of family bonding and play since I work during the weekdays. Each weekend brings me closer to realizing my dreams, to starting university, to meeting more people, to living an eternal life.
Each weekend is time. Sunday is time.


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