I love to smile…

I love to smile.
I love to smile, because it effectively conceals any gaping hole inside me. It’s a wonderful cover, not a filling, that is able to show how perfect my life could be. How its exterior seems to be beautiful. How, deep inside, there’s so much more to see.
I love to smile, because it readily stops any concern filling into the empty, painful hole in me. No one’s going to see that hole to ask me “how’re you feeling today?” and show their care for me, because I seem fine, and I’m acting fine, aren’t I? I’m fine. That’s why I put on such a dazzling smile for others to see. To show that I seem fine. It’s all I need to be alone and not to be bothered by others. It saves me from the hassle from being bombarded with a thousand questions too.
I love to smile, because it makes me feel like I’m alright. I’m able to forget for a while. Sometimes I don’t want to know how hurt I’m really feeling, and I smile to pretend to myself that I’m good. I think that sometimes, I’m a really good actress. I’m able to act so well that I unknowingly lie to myself. That’s good. Perhaps my smile will come out more beautifully and genuinely then.
I love to smile, because it’s easier to smile when someone tells me a joke or says something funny. It’s hard to emo and keep a straight face when something hilarious crops up. So I smile, I laugh, I go along with my surroundings, because that’s the easiest thing to do without coming across as weird, as emo-ing, as upset. I can laugh and smile all the same, and I’m just the person I present myself to be.
I love to smile, because I do feel moments of temporal happiness sometimes. Sometimes I just like to smile because I’m in a good mood, and despite it being the lid to a deep baring hole, it’s really there to protect myself, not to hide myself. Sometimes that smile falters, and it lets someone take a peek into the dark abyss below. That’s fine. The lid is still on. At times, I change it to a transparent lid. I don’t mind, because the lid is still on. You can’t touch the hole. You can’t hurt it or dig it any deeper. I’m fine like that.
I love to smile, because sometimes I think that my smile is beautiful. I think that I want to show the world something more positive and more reflective of my current mood rather than of the hole that I temporarily forgot about. I like the bright smile that I can give and warm people. The smile is radiant while the hole is dark, but you can’t see the hole. The smile shines all around, and it gives out hope. I like my smile of hope.
I love to smile, because someone or something made me happy. I’m glad you’re trying to cloth me with your warm blanket that can protect me and I really appreciate it. I love to smile to show you that I really mean it.
But sometimes, I love to smile, just because.

And sometimes, even though I love to smile, the smile isn’t there. The lid is off and the empty hole is fully exposed to the world. There is rain and hail pouring over the hole; there is soil and dirt flung into the hole; there are tears and sweat dripping into the hole; and there is substance that is carefully placed into the hole. The hole is there for everyone to see and the lid is too heavy to be even dragged above the tingling and throbbing empty hole. I let everything in, I let people dig it deeper, I let it be exposed to the world and the hands of the world. I can’t put the lid on.
But I still love to smile. The lid will slowly and surely be put on to cover the hole again.
Except that this time, I hope that the hole is no longer dark and empty, but is filled with the things I want it to be filled with.
Not just anything, but substance.
That smile that I love will come on more naturally than it ever has.

On the 18th of May, I decided to use 4 hours of my time for polymer clay crafting 🙂 It’s been a few months since I last sculpted something, and although I haven’t been at work, my interest has definitely not waned. It might even have added on. I decided to dedicate a precious Sunday afternoon to doing something I really liked to destress and to forget about a lot of things for a while. Not to mention that the date was perfect for escaping from somebody. But that wasn’t the main purpose.
This time, I was crafting one of my favourite foods – bread! I crafted three kinds of bread – baguette, croissant and cross-raisin bun in a basket. Things come pretty in pairs, so I sculpted two of each to make up my simple but realistic miniature bread basket. It can be called Bread in a Basket, which is the name of the workshop that I attended. (:
It was so much fun crafting in such a peaceful and clean environment. The craft room gave me ideas for my future bedroom and other designs around a house (I have an interest in interior design and architecture). There’s so much that I want to try out but this time, this idea is actually cheaper and pretty much feasible. It’s highly likely I want my room to be like that next time.
Without further ado, let me show you how my final product looked like ^^

It looks so realistic that even I was spazzing over it 😐 Lol. But this picture will put things into perspective:

Yes, it’s as small as a fifty-cent coin. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I saw the shapes turn into concrete forms as I played with the clay. I also painted all the colours on, including the frosting on the croissants and the cross-raisin bread. I’m hungry and I want to eat it 😦
There’s so many more realistic food that I’ve found online and that I’ve been so impressed with. This miniature is, without a doubt, amazing.
I really enjoyed texturing the clay to realistic perfection and painting them such that they looked real with different shades of brown. Basically I enjoyed working on the fine details and I think that’s one of the most important skills that one would probably need in doing art. Lots and lots of patience.
There’s something related to this field of miniature food and polymer clay, and that’s dollhouse miniatures. I must admit that I does sound extremely intriguing even though I’ve not done much research on it to fully understand what it’s about. But basically from what I know, you own a dollhouse, and you furnish it the way you want to be, complete with details, by buying your own 1:12 miniature furniture, food and more. It’s something like interior design and I think that’s one of the reasons which attracted me to miniature and toy stuff like this. You get to design whatever you want on your own!
I would definitely be able to smile more by working on my interest and producing results. I think that’s a reason which I can start smiling now. I can smile because I have found an interest and I’ve been able to have chances to develop it. I love to smile because of it, because it’s my passion and I can unwind from the hectic schedules I have in my daily life and just relax. I can enjoy myself and submerge myself in my fantasy world of miniatures. I can let my imaginations run wild and do whatever I like with clay in my hands. There’s nothing I wouldn’t be able to make. I would be able to smile because one day, I could come up with something exactly from my imaginations. And that would be amazing.

Smiles make me feel happy, and it lifts my mood too. I came to realise that I actually smile a lot, even when I’m talking about the things that hurt the most, about the things that don’t matter, about the things that amuse me, about the things that I deny, and basically about anything. Perhaps sometimes I look like an idiot smiling away for nothing really, and I come across as strong and sometimes with a don’t-care attitude because of my smile. But what matters is that I’m fully aware of my inner self. I know exactly where I stand and how I’m like, and I’m fully aware that my smiles are not happy smiles most of the time. I smile to feel better, I smile to present myself better, I smile to appear confident, and I smile because I feel like it… just to cheer up.
And so I love to smile, just because.


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