Light and dark

Where is that place of bright daylight where you can see everything even from miles beyond
Where your life lays clearly before you
Where you can feel confident
Where you are just who you are, with who you love

Where is that place where the tension is high
Where everything is black and dark
Where you sit, waiting for the moment
Where you get up and fight against the opposing forces with all your strength and you succeed

Freedom to love, freedom to do what you love, freedom to be who you are, freedom to be who you want to be, freedom to enjoy happiness and peace, freedom to experience what you dream of, freedom to live your dreams, freedom to express your thoughts and yourself.
I’ve come to realise that amongst all my aspirations, goals, motivations and dreams, there is one true, yet impossible, thing that has been lurking for quite a long while.
One which has never left me no matter how much I pushed it away, denied it, went against it, refused to admit.
I said so many other things. The things which I wanted to become, wanted to do, wanted to fulfill. But maybe they were all smokescreens. Maybe I never truly felt the passion and wanted them. Because even now, they don’t get me as excited, as dreamy, as confident, as driven or as hopeful as the one I’ve been denying because I know I can’t do it.
The people around me will find it ridiculous. They never allowed it.
I can’t be that, ever. I can’t live in my fantasy world.
Come on out, face this world and do something possible.
And when I think of that thing possible, it takes me far, far away, to the lands alone and desolate, to the beautiful lands of the world that God had created. It takes me a long way. A long road, a winding road, into a free land where I am free to do my job.
Where I can feel free, but not be free.
Where I can dream, but never live my dreams. It’s the complete opposite. But it’s possible.
I don’t like how my dreams can never be fulfilled because it’s impossible to be. Because it might be a little too late. Because it might be impossible to get there. Because it’s far away too. Because I think I wasn’t born to be one of them. There’s a reason why I’m here and where I am now, there’s a reason why I’m who I am right now, there’s a reason why I am not where I want to be.
Dreams, fantasies. The best place to be at.
The place you’ll never be at.

Pump more energy in. More, more.
Dance away the world.
Hit all the counts, sharpen the moves, relax those muscles and tense the action. Be quick, be agile, be deft. Loosen up your body and wave. Isolate or pop.
Don’t miss any chances. Take it all. Take whatever comes your way and always move forward. What’s done has been done and so don’t look back. Whether it’s dark or light, move on. Walk on. Exude that confidence you don’t have. Pretend all’s right even when there’s a mistake. In a performance, you’re always right. What you did wrong is still right. Nobody will know if you don’t say.
In life, your wishes and dreams are right too. Nobody will know them if you don’t say. They aren’t necessarily a mistake, but they might be looked upon a little bit differently depending on what exactly it is. Your life is your own solo performance. Dance it all out, full out. Hit all the counts, take all the chances. Move on, dance on. Loosen up and be free. Relax all the muscles and dance like you’ve never danced before. Flow like the waves. Flow with the times. Keep on going, keep moving, keep dancing. Show what you’re capable of. Be confident of whatever you do even if you’re nervous inside. There’s no place in this world to show the incompetency you might have. That’s all covered. You’re showing what you have, and any mistake is often covered up. ‘You don’t know so you won’t say anything.’ That’s that mindset. So jump around, hit around, lash it all out. Your moves will be fierce and your life will be yours to live. The moments that you can live in.
It never stays at the same level. In any dance there’s always a low level, a medium one, a normal one and a higher one. It never stays still, never stays at the same level, and that goes similarly like your life. It never stays still, it never stays at the same level. There will be ups and downs and you have to go through it all to finish the dance, to finish your performance of yourself, to show all you’ve got.
You’ve only got this one chance.

Why is it that one always dreams of being another? Why is it that hard to be contented with who you are and what you do always? Why is there always some point in time when you’re discontented with your life, with what you’re doing, with what you’re unable to do and to be? Why are here such negative feelings and thoughts among blessings?
Every life is a blessing. I believe that. Each life has been blessed in its own way, no matter how poor or pathetic one might be. There is always the good side of things, and I want to see that always. I want to see the pretty and beautiful side of things even though I’m aware of the bad side as well. I want to see things and smile and appreciate them.
Why does emptiness exist? It’s because you can’t fill the hole in you. There’s an empty, gaping hole in your soul which isn’t filled and it’s leaving you feeling lost, empty and alone. It’s leaving you helpless. But you have to take time and effort to mend that hole. Close it up, let the wounds heal, and let it never come back. The scars might exist but just take it as a learning experience. See it, feel it, but don’t live in it again. It hurts.
I really don’t like the pressure I’ve been feeling when dad is away. It’s just the three sisters left and I’ve become the mother figure since it all started…;;; A learning point, but not enjoyable when I know there’s something missing. When I know what ought to be isn’t, when I miss him, and when I am lost. I just keep walking slowly, on and on to beyond, and I look forward and around but there’s no one really, not anyone that close which I can rely on.
I’m on my own. While that’s fine, I’m lost.

The fear and the pain is always there.
Haunting, crying.
Longing for what I’ll never get. For what’s seemingly impossible.
Everything would be possible, it’s whether it’s cut out for someone or not. I’d like to know what’s really cut out for me. What’s really suited for me. What’s lying ahead of me, far far ahead of me, and what I’ll be performing in my life.
Nothing comes easy though, and while I reach out towards the far point, towards what’s so small to me right here right now, I see it. I see the light.


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