The frustrations of me

Sometimes I honestly envy the lucky people. The lucky people who are able to do what they want whenever they want, who can afford to slack off when they’re tired and who can afford to rest at peace when they’re weary. I envy those who can have fun when they want to, who go about with a light heart, who can look forward to something without having to worry about something else, and who can jump into doing what they like without so many other considerations. I wish I could be in that place.
And then, I remember that I was once there. I was once able to be free and to be lazy. I was once able to do what I liked when I felt like it without having to worry about something else which is often more important but such a chore, and I was able to rest at ease without having to worry about something being not done. I was once there; been there, done that. But I don’t have that luxury anymore, and ever since things changed I seem to have taken my easy days back then for granted. I seem to have taken it for granted that what I thought was together would always be together. I was ignorant to the cruel truths of this world; I didn’t know anything about what could happen. I only learned about those ‘fictional’ truths in dramas and I dreamt of it before. Lo and behold, the unfortunate thing happened. It unfolded right before my very eyes. What wasn’t in my life back then has happened to me. Regrettably. Ignorance is indeed bliss. But it wasn’t my fault and I had nothing to do with it. It only affected me somehow; all cases like this will affect people like me, children like me. It happened. It’s still happening. And I start to envy.
I dislike envying and being jealous. It’s such a negative sucky feeling – you long for something you don’t have or you want so badly but can never have, and you start feeling frustrated and angry over the tiniest little things. Jealousy makes one a little petty person. It’s such a horror. But yet so inevitable. Who could escape the mighty powers of envying and jealousy? Who could not long for something they wanted or missed so badly? Who could go against their own wishes and deny all the truths?
I am blessed in my own way and I want to be able to see that all the time. I don’t want to envy others who ‘have it all’ and who are the one I long to be. No. I want to be who I am, but improved, better, more like who I want to be. I believe that every one of us was made for a reason – I’ve a reason to be here although all seems so hopeless and bleak and nothing is going the way I’d like it to be. I’ve a reason to be here when I feel bad and when I’m suffering. I’ve a reason to be here for my friends and family – they’re my best friends forever and my closest kin, and I’m always there to support them and encourage them.
I’d like to do what I want. For example, right now. I have a list of things to do and I’ve prioritised them. And down that list there’s that number of things I’d really like to do to rest my aching soul and body right now – this drowsiness is merely making me fly and this weariness just makes me want to ‘do nothing’ or just do what I feel like doing. I don’t want to do all the important but annoying things up that list. I don’t like them. I never will. But I still have to do them.
So I won’t be wasting time lengthening this post, but this is roughly what I really wanted to say. I really want to rest, to be at peace, to be in my fantasy land.


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