Believe and live

People tell me I am pretty.
They tell me that I have sharp, defined features.
They tell me I have an admirable sharp nose.
They tell me I have big eyes.
They tell me I dress well.
They tell me I have a lovely smile.
They tell me I have a lovable personality and character.
They tell me I am fun.
They tell me I am lively and bubbly and natural.
They tell me I am caring.
They tell me I have a kind heart.
They tell me I think of others a lot.
They tell me I am helpful.
They tell me I am slim and just nice.
They tell me I am skinny enough.
They tell me I have dainty feet.
They tell me I have a fair complexion.
They tell me I have a set of naturally-straight pretty teeth.
They tell me I am not short.
They tell me I am of perfect weight.
They tell me I resemble my dad.
They tell me I have thick hair.
They tell me I have cool brown eyes and brown hair.
They tell me I have wavy or straight hair.
They tell me I can dance.
They tell me I can sing.
They tell me I am intelligent.
They tell me I am capable.
They tell me I am strong.
They tell me I am positive.
They tell me I am in a good situation.
They tell me I have a close family.
They tell me I am blessed and fortunate in many ways.

But I don’t believe.

What is the point when people tell you everything good about yourself but you don’t believe a word of it? When you’re not contented with yourself and you don’t believe in yourself? When you don’t have the self-confidence and the self-esteem to believe that you’re complete and alright just as you are, that you’re unique in your own way, that you are a different person from everyone else which is why people are interested to get to know you?
When you don’t believe, it’s highly likely you feel as though nobody is interested in knowing you, that you’re unpopular, that you have nothing to show and nothing to be proud of. It seems normal to feel that way, but is it the right way to feel? Clearly, if you feel that way, it’s likely that everyone else does too – which makes everyone on the same level, with the same fears, and with the same mentality. So why not give it a shot to show who you really are, know more people, try to interact and just try?
It’s easier said than done, and personally I understand exactly the way how people feel when they’re unpopular, when they don’t have many friends, when they aren’t proud of themselves but look down on themselves and think they’re worthless. I’m one of those people, and while I do have a lot of problems, I do understand things about it. Recently I’ve been receiving help, feedback and advice about my issues and I must say I’ve learnt a lot from it, on why people tend to behave in a certain manner, on why we do certain things, on why we feel in a certain manner and just a few tidbits on how to cope with our problems. It won’t be easy. It is a long, time-consuming process you must be willing to invest in to make yourself better, and along the way you aren’t going to feel good, no; you’re going to feel just as bad and it’s not going to be a smooth way to becoming better. But it shapes you, it results in something better you probably want. And it is achievable. Though easier said than done.

I’ve taken away and perhaps progressed a little with help recently which I really appreciate. One of the things I’ve learnt the most is about myself – how I really feel about certain situations which I have never realised until it all came pouring out a few nights, how I’ve been escaping and denying (still!!!) about certain issues, how I’ve been more able to acknowledge and express my feelings and thoughts and more. I’m glad to be able to realise more of these things about myself and although it gives me more food for thought – which I don’t have the time now for – and it makes someone who’s helping me want to throttle the truth out of me which I will allow so after my exams because it won’t be a nice experience and will drain all the juice out of me, I’m willing to give it a try. It probably can help me and I won’t forgo that chance when I have it right now. I just need this difficult time to fly~ fly away quickly and stop this suffering.
How do you cope with the rising of such imminent gloom and anguish when there’s no way you can escape?
Coping mechanisms. A very important skill in life. We probably cope with everything, you name it – work, family, homework, problems, schedules, feelings and more. Some people eat to cope, some drink, some sleep, some distract themselves (which is an escaping mechanism most familiar to me), some do what they like to feel better, some bathe, some do negative things like cut themselves – everything’s there, from the most probable to the most damaging methods. We do it in a desperation to feel better and relieve ourselves from despondency and depression. It’s a natural feeling built into every human being, the desire to feel normal, good and alright all the time. The number one desire is happiness. Why? Why is the feeling of happiness so longed for and why is it good? Why is happiness, if it’s good and helpful, seem to be so elusive of us? Why does it not seem to be readily available? Is God playing games with us?
No. But happiness not being there is the work of the devil. It isn’t there because our society has developed to be so stressful and busy that almost everyone has these words – stress, burden, busy, lack of time, not liking what they do, and hence unhappiness – in their lives. Admit it, you feel it too. But yet we all do it? Again, why so? In the process of earning money, of bettering our future, of supporting our family, of preparing for your future, whatever it is, we still do it for something better, for something we can cope and live with.
Exactly what you should be doing with your own personal and emotional life, isn’t it?
Cope and live with it. Keep persisting and doing things that can make you feel good, feel better, improve yourself. You’re not just living life physically, you’re living it emotionally too. Your heart and soul is your core, it’s in you, it’s yours. Just like you have only one life to live and you want to live it well and do what you dream of doing. Similarly, your soul is yours to live and yours to do what you want with it. And since we, as humans, all have this innate desire in us to live well and be happy, then why not do something consistently for your soul too? Better yourself and be happy, don’t give up on yourself, don’t leave your emotional life in a mess. You can do something to get out of that mess and be free. Both lives work together and interlink and they’re both just as important. There’s nothing different about living your own life, is there? Physically or emotionally. You know they co-exist, especially in such a thing as love.
And then you ask. What exactly is living then? Is living our life going from day to day in the same daily, possibly tiring and boring, routines we face? Is that living? Is living just feeling happy or sad every day and getting tired of it?
But that’s why in our world, the physical and the emotional co-exist; they complement and help each other in living both lives at the same time. We can feel happy or sad living on Earth because we have our feelings, thoughts and emotions. We can live out our emotions, for example if we’re happy, by expressing it outwardly in terms of speech or physical action. It works both ways. We don’t live both separately and that’s why our body is made up of our physical body, soul and spirit. It’s why we have our physical being, emotions and thoughts all working together to enable us to live. It’s uniquely yours to live and yours to do whatever you want with it.

I won’t give up on the pursuit of happiness. It’s becoming frustrating and it’s draining my energy out of me but I’ll persevere and live it out. I won’t stop for my sake. You too.

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