Early in the morning~ Haven’t blogged for a long time because I lost inspiration and interest! But now I think I have stuff to say, so… here goes. 🙂
Fetishes are interesting, aren’t they? What exactly is a fetish? A standard boring dictionary answer would be that a fetish is an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having a magical potency, or any eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, admiration or devotion. Don’t understand what it means? it’s okay, I’m not going to use that definition.
I do have a fetish, and a strange one at that. Throughout my life I never really realised it was my fetish, and when a few years back it hit me, needless to say, nothing happened. Lol. Anyway yeah it is a dying fetish because I never fuelled it much, but it is still there. It’s something I never told anyone about, and am not prepared to reveal it… It is a strange and uncommon one and having attained that since primary school there might me a tinge of regret in me for having such a weird fetish >< But what's done has been done, and if it goes to my grave with me, it's fine and I'm fine with it, because it's not something I'm extremely proud of or something I actually openly show. So yeah. But I would define my fetish as an object of (possible) obsession. There's no respect, admiration, potency or reverence involved here because it's too strong a word to use, but I would say it had been an obsession for the longest time I can ever remember… .___.
Singapore’s 48th National Day on 9th August so Happy National Day to Singapore!!! I didn’t watch the parade this year (no it’s not because I’m not patriotic or anything like that) but dad’s cell group had organised a BBQ session at Pasir Ris Park so there I was the entire night! One thing I have to say, is that Pasir Ris Park, which is by the sea, is ABSOLUTELY amazing at night, it’s dark, peaceful and really a place I would have loved to linger with someone… it sparked off my imagination. Not the right time but oh wells. It’s nicer than Siloso Beach that I went about a month ago…… a month ago. Wow. How time as flown… and how things have changed.
Anyway, that aside for now, I had a BBQ session (did I mention I’m not fond of barbecued food), went cycling and saw PONIES!!! There were both large brown ones and one unique white pony. I love love love white horses and ponies, the exhibit a sense of power and authority whilst they are graceful and majestic creatures. I love their long swishy tails and I think they absolutely rule when they run freely on a meadow against the wind, with their tails and manes flying and them being free and happy. These are beautiful creatures ^^
Would have loved to ride it… just that we didn’t have the time 😦 Now that I think about it, since I really love horses, I should really try horse riding one day. I have a friend who is an equestrian and I really like her horse-riding skills so… something for me to try in future!
Within one screwed month, everything has changed, turned itself upside down, gone down, gotten worse, gotten messier… name some negativity and it would all be there. What exactly happened?
It started off with something quite simple, something I honestly thought would be quite okay, until things started adding itself in, it was fuelled by certain words, and there popped out negative and bitter thoughts, actions, moodiness and a ton more. Because there are too much I fail to say all, and I lost a lot of drive to write about it, instead it ended up getting stored in my heart or ranted out to my bestie. It’s not a very positive breeding ground in my heart, and it resulted in a positive feedback mechanism – I withdrew from the world, I became scared and fearful, I screwed myself up on purpose, I had a soaring fear of judgement and rejection and I felt that everyone in the world was judging me for all that I did and all that I am. I felt like I wasn’t accepted anywhere anymore, so I didn’t want to reveal myself anymore. My mentality was that, why let people worry about you when they can be happy? If you screw up alone, the only thing you can do is to ensure that you don’t affect those around you, and give everyone a chance to live their lives and be happy. Even if you’re not happy, why should others not be happy? So I closed up, withdrew into myself, and didn’t bother someone with my true messed-up emotions because if he didn’t know, he wouldn’t care and then he wouldn’t be affected. You don’t go around screwing people up just because you are screwed.
That sure worked. Sure. Things got worse, we drifted apart (naturally), I tried creating more space which he requested for but which I absolutely didn’t see any need for, and whilst I felt emptier, more bitter and angrier by the day, I didn’t care less. It didn’t help that I was distancing myself, the feelings were still there, it sparked off a whole string of supposedly sweet dreams, but I should really stop dreaming sweet things like that because it raises my hopes for nothing. Of course, because of my pessimism, I began feeling that people were ignoring me on purpose too, like how I had done to them. I began feeling that people didn’t care and in my bitterness I didn’t want them to care. I began feeling that I was treated as unimportant, which could be true, because the only people who ever see you as important are your best friends. The rest treat you like someone they can use, or even like an object they talk to and turn to for help when they need and ignore when they don’t. You’re completely overlooked, forgotten and taken for granted for, and that’s not nice to realise. That’s why I’m extra grateful for my besties who were here for me all this while, who counselled me and gave me advice and tried to help me in all ways, and although that does not change my feelings it does help me find relief and maybe, maybe just be a teeny weeny bit better.
I could be so free with my best friends, but now in my current environment where none of them are there, I can’t express myself freely, I have no desire to either, and I really am just a ticking time bomb ready to explode one fine day to kill nobody but myself. Because I’m weak inside my bomb would be pretty weak, only just strong enough to kill me. That’s still not nice.
I’m absolutely lost. I know that whatever is going on now is purely my fault, and somehow I’ll find a way out of this. Though I really hate my emotions… I’ll definitely use time to rid all the bitterness away.
So as a distraction to my sorrows I began watching more movies… I’ve watched Pacific Rim, Turbo, Secretly Greatly, Despicable Me (twice) and maybe some others but I can’t remember… I’m not going to give a review or rating for each movie, but maybe I’ll just add a few comments to them.
Despicable Me: This kiddy cartoon movie was absolutely hilarious. No doubt about that. Those minions were adorable (but ugly) and cute in a sense that they’re funny in their own ways. I liked the song ‘I Swear’ (or the underwear song) and I liked how the minions somehow showed a unity in them. However, the plot was cliche and perhaps common, predictable and boring… It was only masked by the funniness of the movie.
Secretly, Greatly (은밀하게 위대하게): This is a Korean movie starring Kim Soohyun, Lee Hyunwoo and Park Kiwoong. I know the first two actors from previous dramas but no that was not the reason why I watched the movie. I watched it because it was supposedly on North Korean spies in South Korea and also partly because my siblings wanted to watch it. Besides the fact that the first two were hot in the movie, yes, but I felt that there was emotional impact at the ending of the movie, even to the point my sister cried. Yes, while Korean movies may not be popular or particularly entrancing, they can have a strong emotional impact which I haven’t found in any American movie I watched (ignore the fact I don’t watch much American movies anyway!). The best Korean movie with the strongest catharsis I ever watched, which also became my favourite movie of 2012, is A Werewolf Boy (늑대소년), starring Song Joongki as the werewolf boy. That was really the best Korean movie I watched to date.
Pacific Rim: This movie was alright. I watched it because people said it was interesting, and admittedly I had some strange interest to it maybe because of the nature of it or the monsters, I don’t know, but basically the movie involved huge man-made robots fighting huge monsters arising from the bottom of the sea. This movie made me realise how large the earth really is even though the world is so small – those monsters looked absolutely huge and undefeatable on land and above water, so many times bigger than the cities and the people and appearing everywhere, but when both the robots and the monsters were underwater – they had their own world. They were so small compared to the ocean (near HK), and hole was extremely large and intriguing. It was a movie I didn’t regret watching, only I still wish I had watched it under better circumstances, then perhaps I might be happier.
Turbo: The little snail which after getting nitrous oxide into its body, became as fast as a racing car. This movie teaches never to lose hope, to believe and work for your dreams, never to give up, to always persevere and always to encourage others and do the best you can. A little cartoon movie but with big important morals we all need in life to takeaway. I’m glad I have the persevering nature in me, but I definitely could learn from this movie, maybe even apply it to my situation right now. My bestie gave me some advice which I’m considering, and I’m glad I haven’t made an extreme wrong move as of yet. I regret some though.
Smurfs 2 is just out, and I’m hoping for some movies which can interest me in future… I need to survive this term and rest of my life. May the movies bring some relief~
5. Music and dance
I came to realise that I like ballads and dance-pop music, maybe just because I like some of the songs of a certain singer EI, and he has really good MVs. If only SJ had good story-like movies too.
But music is nice and soothing, and whilst I play the piano I only play ballads, and I need some beat in my life too. I got that from dance – we’re beginning of preparations for our final full-blown stage next year, our very own concert just for dance. How awesome can that get. There are many different genres of dance we’re doing concurrently now, and while I think ballet is hard and the contemporary exercises our instructor gave were absolutely horrible, I would like to try street dance and maybe jazz. Hip-hop’s doing fine now but I don’t have that swag >< It's a process through which I'll slowly learn, and hopefully one day I'll be able to truly dance myself out, maybe one year from now at the concert.
6. Jealous of someone else’s life?
I have a friend who seems absolutely successful at this point in her life – she has ample time to sleep, yet she studies so well she does well and is way ahead of her curriculum, and she’s a fantastic dancer with all her swag for hip-hop and street dance, and she socialises a lot, is that kind of popz people and has a boyfriend, a happy love life. Sounds perfect? Sounds like something to be envious about?
There’s nothing to envy about really, because each and every person’s life is different and complete in their own ways. People find completion and contentment in different things, and if you haven’t gotten yours, it’s still nothing to envy about, rather you could use that as a goal to spur you on. There is no point getting jealous – I’ve had enough of feeling jealous of something else in the past one month, and I want to break out of that.
She has her own problems in other aspects of her life, so to people who know her, don’t get jealous, because everyone has their flaws and shortcomings, but it doesn’t mean you let yours get you down. Work on it, work on your life, it’s only you who can improve your own life. It’s your life to live, your life to make use of, your life to embrace. You have one life to do what you want – one life to find the right partner, to fall in love, to succeed in life, to be happy, to travel the world, to be who you want to be. Do what you want, never give up, and be that person you want to be.