Time passes really fast. Someone shoots the arrow of time straight ahead, and it flies on and on at a constant speed, never stopping, never slowing, never turning back, never waiting for anyone. The arrow of time defies all friction, all hopes, all fantasy.
I’ve been thinking a lot these few weeks, and within two months, just two months, I’ve experienced more than I’ve possibly experienced in certain years. The extremities of emotions have been felt – happiness, blessing, warmth, disappointment, stress, sadness, depression, loneliness, coldness, bitterness and anger – you name it, I’ve probably felt it within two short months. Within one month itself I’ve felt majority of whatever I’ve listed, and within two months my life has had its ups and downs like what you always hear people talk about. About exam stress, school life, holiday, true happiness, depression to a very dangerous point – I’ve experienced it all. It’s such a strange thing which time can provide. It gave me more experience and wisdom than I ever asked, bargained for or expected. It brought so many unexpected twists and turns that I started doubting why I chose that road when I could have so easily chosen a second path and perhaps avoided everything.
And that’s when I reflected about everything which happened and questioned whether I regretted it or not. When I was bitter and sad I regretted a lot, but when I felt better and perhaps my thoughts were clearer I felt that some parts were good and that I don’t regret it at all, that I appreciate the experience. The truth? I don’t know. Because of the extreme changes in mood within a day I cannot ascertain what I really feel and believe.
I want yet I don’t want, I wish yet I reject, I want to keep something but yet want to throw it away, I regret and yet I don’t… I’m battling against understanding myself. Not about knowing how or what I feel, but about understanding them and maybe finding solutions.
Do I really want to forget? Or keep the memories? What I promised last time was definitely positive, but I was at a point of breaking all the promises I ever made. It’s not nice to do that and maybe the other party blames me bitterly for whatever I’ve failed to do and failed to keep, and while I’m truly sorry for that I’m so lost that I can’t help it… I might even do it unconsciously. I blamed myself, I brought it upon myself, I risked everything against myself… Things never went the way I thought it would, and everything was at odds with me from the very start. I knew that too. Even in the sweetest moments the darkness was fighting a battle with me and opposing me. I knew that and at times I yielded to it, but now I’ve completely given in to it and let it take over my life. I’ve let it win, and while I’m not happy, I’m glad at the same time. And that’s another internal conflict. Because of so many things whirling around my mind I’ve gotten lost inside them, and I need to find a way out. I need to sort them out neatly since I know them. I need to try and force myself to be happy because it won me. Never concede defeat or be a sore loser right?
It’s more complicated than you think. Than even what I know. I used to think that things were simple, that life could be lived simply, but guess how wrong I was. Whilst I felt that friendships were simple in the past I now realised that any relationship on earth is complicated in its own way. Even more so one which involves a whole load of other things. Maybe I could call it essential nonsense. Because it sure brought a whole load of shit onto my back for me to carry. I’m stumbling under it, I’m fighting another battle against it and if I let it crush me it’ll not be pretty at all. If I let it crush me I’ll never be able to push it up again and try to get up. It’s a one-chance-only battle – win it or lose it. Where should I be and what should I be doing? It’s true that losing it is easy – just by giving up, you lose everything, possibly forever, and there’s no chance for you to redeem yourself unless it isn’t time for you to go, then somehow you’re going to survive even as a wreck.
There’s no point missing something that will never come back. That tortures the heart more.
The heart is still throbbing with pain. Those stabs were enough to kill, but the heart’s still stronger to survive. Does it have a will?
I foresee rocky roads ahead. There’ll be bumps and ups and downs, and there’s no break from it. I thought I had breaks even now but how wrong I was. It was just an illusion on my part for something better so I could survive and get out of my sorrow. It worked for moments, but never ever truly helped. That was a failed plan and it was through that that I realised that the affairs of the heart were even more complicated than I had ever imagined – I couldn’t even put it down in words and I don’t think I ever would be able to. It’ll not only cause fresh bleeding but it’ll give me more work to do.
I can feel the distance growing. Partly my fault again and it’s going to be hard to heal. To fix the issue now we’ll have to go beyond what we hoped for, or what was normal – I doubt the regaining of a closer relationship, and that’ll be my fault once again. Because I’m so screwed up on the inside that I might decide to be silently mean. That’s not part of me and is unlike me but the bitterness in me is still there, and a hardening process is taking place. Blocking out. Resisting. Avoiding. Escaping.
If only one had the power to control themselves that well.
Control is just about everything isn’t it? If we could control ourselves very well from the very start, maybe we wouldn’t have made some of the mistakes we made today. If we could have resisted temptations, we would have been better off today. If we could have resisted our feelings, maybe we wouldn’t be taking dangerous risks. If we could have resisted whatever was to come, maybe things wouldn’t have happened. It all depends on oneself and what one is willing to try, because the future is uncertain and unknown. If you never tried, you would never know. If you tried, then it becomes part of your life, an experience. It’s a personal will which we all have. If we controlled well, things would go better. If only we could. The human race is vulnerable to ourselves and we cannot help that.
Life isn’t a beautiful single-layered painted picture. Yes, most of our lives might turn out pretty at the end, but it’s definitely not single-layered – there are multiple layers lying beneath the surface which consists of dark colours, grey, messed up colours, yellowing canvas and so on. None of it is perfect. None of it is just what it seems to be – every single one is tainted beneath the surface. That’s life. Fifty shades of grey. But if we make it out to be, there’ll be fifty shades of yellow too. Once again it’s our choice, our work, our destiny.
So do I venture on?
“The essential quality of life is living’ the essential quality of living is change; change is evolution; and we are part of it.” – John Wyndham, The Chrysalids.
I remember memorising this phrase for my literature examinations last year. When I read through the book the protagonist had undergone extreme changes in his life within a pretty short period of time too, from a boy who lived ‘peacefully’ (needless to say, with fear) in his village with his family to a runaway ‘fugitive’ pursued by his entire village and even his merciless father just because he was a mutant and was not normal. His whole life changed – he ran away into the unknown Fringes with a girl he loved and his youngest sister, all who were mutants like him with a special ability. His life changed completely and could never change back to the way it was – in the end, he went off with the Sealand woman to a ‘better land’ where there were people all like him after the Tribulation.
This got me thinking. My life has changed within these two months too – yes, I’ve gained a whole lot of experience (which frankly I did not bargain for) and understood a whole lot of new things. Once bitten, twice shy. That might apply to me now, but I sincerely hope it won’t because that leads to a sad, sadder life for me. Do I blame someone? No. Why blame the other party? There’s no point in blaming someone for what has happened, because what happened involved both parties and surely both were at fault in some ways. It’s a stupid idea to blame the other party just to make myself feel better – I feel worse instead, because I’m being selfish and mean in pushing the blame to others, and well it’s not nice to make someone feel like he is at fault. It makes the other party feel worse, and that’s not what I want to gain from all this – I hope that somehow we manage to gain something good. I don’t want someone to feel hurt or pressured or at fault because all negative feelings make people feel worse and look down on themselves. The other party’s going to think he isn’t good enough, he’s going to blame himself for whatever’s happened, and he’s going to feel bad as well. That’ll further reduce his self-confidence and hey, that’s bad, really bad. One’s self-confidence should always be invested in and not agitated. I’m speaking for myself too, but my case, I’ll somehow, just somehow, handle all this… What’s important to me is that the other party doesn’t feel bad about all this, and I hope he gains something good out of everything. That way I’d have helped him positively somehow, and that’s what I always want to do, to make others feel better, make their lives easier, and help them be happy and find themselves and their happiness and achievements in life. I hope that others will be successful in their own ways (:
There is nothing wrong with failing in life. It is through failures that we learn, overcome and find success. It is the process of strengthening us so that we do not take for granted our successes. We learn to pick ourselves up, learn what’s better, good and what’s not so ideal, learn to improve, and we learn to persevere. The qualities emerging from failures are up to us – we choose to do it right, and the positive outcomes will bloom; we choose to do it wrongly, and we’ll continue down forever. Life is full of decisions we have to make, and while failures are hard at that point in time, there is always, always a way out. Remember that. I’m reminding myself too – I can make it out of this, this will pass, things will get better (I hope), and I will be stronger from all these. People say I’m tough to have made it through one of the hardest points in my life last year, but personally I don’t think I’m very strong as of yet. I can still toughen up and be stronger, be more independent and be better. I want to strengthen myself wholly – especially emotionally, because while I managed to mentally and physically get through a lot of shit, my ‘coping’ mechanisms have led to a gradual destruction in my emotional state, and that’s not good at all. It’s continuing, and whilst I thought I found relief and a solution to solve my problems, I realised that I didn’t solve anything at all – I just either made it worse or continued on the destructive path I had unconsciously chosen more than a year and a half ago. It’s not my fault, but it is as well, because I am me, and I choose to be who I am.
And I choose what I want to do.
I haven’t been feeling very well lately, and I know that I’ve been acting cold and aloof to a particular someone. This isn’t good at all. I don’t mean it and it honestly isn’t intentional but I’m aware of it and the reason why I’m being like this. I hate it and hate myself for it but I can’t help it… The reason says it all. I want to keep my friends, but I want to stop feeling bad and have so many conflicting thoughts. They suck. And they suck because I allowed them to invade me, allowed them to even take over me, and now I have to fix it too. Everything comes with a choice, and what you choose, you have to face the consequences as well and solve it. I don’t like to imagine what would happen if I lost another friend. I don’t like it that I keep dreaming about some weird things these days too.
Find me. I need to find myself. I’ve been thinking weirdly, acting weirdly, doing things weirdly too, and all this – what is it for? Why?
To add on to my despaired state something else happened, a long-running situation which just made me more vexed by the moment and increasingly frustrated. I hate to feel that way, to feel rebellious and bitter about it, because it’s not good for anyone and definitely not for me. The last thing I want to do is to affect someone, and if what I do will affect someone, I don’t want to think what will happen to me. I probably don’t want to know either.
Being alone helps. But there’s something I realised.
It says everything.
That I need, that I want my friends.
I want my friends at the very least, especially my close friends whom I can be open with and share just about everything and be just myself. I realised that I’m not doing that in my current place at all. I’m deteriorating on my own, and that’s disastrous because I was never much fun to start with. I realised that by losing myself, I’m also losing interest in several (basic) things in life, and I wonder what I’m going to turn out and what I’m going to be if I finally stop everything. I don’t have that desire to talk or rant anymore. Why such a big disastrous move because of something that happened that would pass? Why such a great effect?
The process of hardening and undoing something is never easy. People say that it takes at least half the amount of time you took to undo something that you did. Maybe it’s true, but it means that I’ll be pretty bad for quite a long while, and that’s definitely not ideal.
Tomorrow I’ll be hit with another big blow academically, and while I don’t look forward to that I think that waiting has been a big bore and chore. It’s not that I don’t want my results, but it’s also because I know I did badly. That’s nothing for me to be overly concerned with (that’s what I’m saying right now when I don’t know the extent of failure I’ve gone through), but of course I naturally hope for something better…
There’re things I can do to change the way it is now, but the question is whether I have the drive to. I’m so tired of everything that I’m giving up – I’m withdrawing into myself, living in my own little world, and that’s not good at all. I don’t want to let people worry about my wrecked state anymore – I feel that I can handle it myself, so why bother others with it? I may be so screwed I do silly things at times even right now, but I don’t feel like sharing it anymore. I’m a useless bitch but I already was so it doesn’t make a difference. That’s a road to disaster, and no matter how I know it I don’t know how to force myself out of it. Slowly sinking in, sinking deeper until there’s no turning back…
The sunset’s nice. The haze might be coming back, and that sounds just like what I feel – the haze is starting to cloud my life again, and I can’t see things clearly anymore. I can suffer alone, I’ll suffer alone, and I won’t let anyone worry. What’s one life when a whole lot of others could be better? What’s one person nobody knows when the world is teeming with people at all ends of the earth?
I don’t feel the silence awkward. I feel the silence is calming, tense – it’s my fault, but I don’t know why I can’t force myself to catapult out of whatever state I am now and improve instead of thinking I’m improving when I’m probably getting worse. What do I do? I’ve tried all the ways I can think of, and unless I can change myself there’s no other way I can get out of this. The silence is normal. My life is silent and there’s nothing interesting about that.
Even when a life is gone no one will notice, no one will know.
Let me be free, free my chaotic soul.
There’s this lyrics I’m sure many people know: “Will you still love me when I’ve got nothing but my aching soul”. Right now I think that’s impossible. My soul is beyond aching; it’s cutting, wrenching, spazzing, and yet all I do is remain still. Still like the storm. Where’s the love in the world, when it’s so easily broken? What is true and what’s a lie? What can you believe and what are you fooled by?
I don’t want to jump into things ever again. I want things to go slowly, oh so slowly, and if someone loses patience then that’s not it. It needs time to build up, but it takes a second to break it all down. It’s that simple. Life’s philosophy requires us to put in hard work for success, but it just needs us to blink an eye to let it all come crashing down. It’s the same for trust, love, faith and hope. Everything’s fragile, so never take things for granted. I’m glad I don’t regret that point because I appreciated everything when I had it. But what I see coming is that I might overlook what I have. Like now. I’m probably overlooking the fact that a few people, just a few, few people, still care for me. Maybe I’m forcing myself to believe otherwise. And why is that so? Why have I screwed myself to this point? Is there still a way to return to what was there in the past? What can I do? How would it be like? Would I still dare to take the risk, be courageous and take the bold step forward again? Or would I keep shrinking back until I no longer exist in the picture?
I still like writing, and by writing I rant and let a lot of things out. There’s still a ton of things stuck inside me, things embedded so firmly which I want to squeeze out but have no desire to. What if I let it stay stuck inside me, burrowing itself deeper and deeper until it can never come out?
I realised that there are a lot of things I never said. That was probably why I couldn’t make it in the end, and probably why this whole thing would never work out.
I found a few interesting but sadly true quotes recently. They added on to my sorrow, but yet reminded me that ‘once bitten, twice shy’ should not apply. I shouldn’t let it apply.
It’s not the end of the world, nor is it the only chance anyone can have. There are always failures but they help you work towards the final success. It’s a long, hard process but it’s possible. Everyone can do it because almost everyone has done it before. That’s what life is all about – achieving what you dream, and in some way or another many will work towards what they want and what they hope for. Nothing comes easy and nothing will be just given to you. You have to work hard for it and put in the effort to deserve it and receive it well. That way you’ll really enjoy it, appreciate it and not take it for granted because you came a long way just for it. Sure, you might find that at the end of the day what you worked for doesn’t make your world perfect and isn’t everything after all, but you’ve got it, so it’s precious and unique to you! It’s yours to keep. It’s easy to take for granted and overlook what you have right now, but learn to hold on to it and never let it go, because once it slips out of your hands, you might never have it back.
It’s the same for me. I’m reminding myself as I write this, that I still have something good and even though it’s terribly difficult and I don’t know how to do it, I should hold on to it. Once it slips away from me it’s going to be extremely hard for me to gain it back. But I admit that I find things embarrassing now – my whole life has been a joke, a lie, and I’ve been led foolishly by it and I feel terribly embarrassed and ashamed. I still have all those stinging bitterness and sorrow in me. I have tons of internal conflicts as my burdens. I have lots of work to do. But that doesn’t stop me from living and doing what I want, because only if I try to live, will I live. Only if I try will I be able to take a peek at the results. If I don’t, I never will know.
It’s easier said than done. Of course that applies to me as well. But it’s not impossible. While I no longer feel like talking and I don’t feel like interacting with anyone at all but just withdraw into myself, I know that’s not good and I’m struggling hard against it – I’m yielding and people can already tell. It’s barely been a few days. I’m so conflicted that I want to hide, I want to end it all and give up trying, but even I know that’s not the way to go. It’s hard, it’s agony, it’s painful to suffer alone, but I’m going to make it through, I’m going to pull through even if it kills me. I’m going to endure this and get through it all alone.
Find your own ways, find your own peace. Peace comes from God and will be bestowed upon you by God. Pray and ask for forgiveness. I want my face back; I want my pride back, and even though I lost it for a stupid ’cause’, I’m going to find it back. Even if it means doing something I really shouldn’t be doing. Because I realised that all along I had been doing something that I shouldn’t be doing.
There’s a lot of things I want to say. I realised that something mean is brewing in me; this bittersweet ending is turning into a nightmare. I’m taking a lot of effort to withhold what’s lurking within me so that I don’t hurt others too much with cutting mean words. There’s nothing like verbal abuse. I don’t want to be mean and I don’t know why things are heading the way it is now, but I cannot let the meanness continue threatening to tear me apart. It’s not just being mean – I’m jealous when I don’t have the rights to, I’m angry when I’m not supposed to, and I’m sad when I don’t want to. Everything goes against what I want and that’s not ideal. I’m pretty messed up as you can see – I can’t seem to get anything right out of all this, and sometimes I really still wonder if it’s best for me to stay away from everyone, distance myself from the world and just disappear into nothingness. You’ll never see me again. You’ll never hear anything hurtful from me again. You’ll never be reminded of what happened again. You’ll never miss me again. You’ll never, ever be sad by me again.
It’s so easy to say I don’t care anymore. It’s harder to not want to care. It’s the hardest when you do care but you’re blocking out all forms in the name of self-torture, self-denial, lowering your own self-esteem and giving up on yourself. I might be, or maybe I am, angry, upset, disappointed, bitter, sore, aching, despaired, sad, depressed, confused and lost about everything, but I’m not going to say it. I’m not going to say it at all. Maybe my bubble of meanness is coming from bottling too many negative emotions up for too long. But what can I do? Take it out on someone? That’s not the way to go and that’s not what I’ll do because I don’t want to hurt anyone. The only person I could ever hurt is myself.
I said it to the other party before. I’ll let go of you so you can go your own way and be happy. Please do.