Giving up

Giving up.
Giving up is a process of letting yourself, and only yourself down.
But we’ve all given up at some point in time, it’s only if we ever picked ourselves back up again. We’ve been so close to giving up on things when we were at our wits’ end, when we didn’t know what to do anymore. When we lost hope, lost faith, lost our dreams.
The devil’s always nagging at us to give up and join him. Sure, it’s a choice for us, it’s open, but it’s a path into eternal darkness. An escaping mechanism. The ‘easiest’ but most torturous form of escape. An escape into further darkness where you can no longer see the light for eternity.
Eternity seems like a long time. But the word doesn’t strike us that hard. It doesn’t seem like a long time; it IS a long time, it’s forever, it’s beyond how long you can imagine and think of. Beyond what you can perceive. It’s so long it never ends.
But it’s tempting. The soul is being lured into that trap, that cover looking so simple and pretty but which inside lies the deepest, darkest abyss of hellish eternity. Be careful, it’s a trap. A trap.
Can I fall into the trap?
I don’t doubt that I’m susceptible. Not just being moody, but feeling so low I don’t know what’s lower right now. Sadness, possible depression – everything’s wrapped in a messy package of vulnerable emotions and makes me feel wretched. I’m wretched, I’m screwed, I’m messed up, and I don’t deny that. But can I extract myself from the mess before it’s too late? Before I make my decision? Before I sink further in and finally cannot escape even if I want to?
I want that decision. Leave that open to me, please. I’m slipping through the mess into the trapdoor. Slowly, inching, edging, I’m becoming closer to that sucking trap.
Sucking the life out of me. Sucking my soul, my light, my breath, my hope, my feelings, my worries, my sadness, my depression, my life.
Continuing.
I’m going to give up.
Give up trying. Give up trying to be normal, give up trying to fit in. Give up on myself. That’s the worst one can do and I know it but I’m still going to do it. I’m going to give up my emotions, maybe harden them into a wall around my heart so they don’t get in and also protect me, and I’m going to keep them out. I’m going to give up my efforts since maybe, just maybe, nothing’s working. Maybe that’s because I never tried hard enough. I know I did try, but maybe it’s just me who just can’t do it. Giving up my promises, probably going to break every single one of them because I can’t keep them anymore. Messing things up and giving everything up equates to leaving these all behind, tossing them into the abyss of darkness, and maybe trying to clamber out while being sucked in.
Your emotions mess you up.
When you let your heart rule your mind, you get both ends of consequences – extreme happiness OR extreme sadness. Either way, it’s because the heart decided to take over and be silly. The mind didn’t try harder. The mind didn’t try to stop the person from doing something stupid; it refused to admit that reality empowers everything else – your dreams, hopes, wishes, and what you have. Reality wins it all. And reality is hard, hard as rock, so you ain’t moving it no where.
My emotions are messing me up, yes they are – they decided to take a painful road towards maybe what seems to be the ‘end’. A mirage. A hallucination of the ‘end’ and one doesn’t even know it. But it’s dangerously there.
Let me succumb.
Succumb into the arms of eternal pain and darkness.
Too perturbed.
I want to and need to give up everything.
Those fingers are clawing my hands. Come, come, come. My hands have its own mind now. Lead me, lead me where I should go, where I can die or live.
Lead me.
Lead me into giving up.
It’s a choice.

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