I’ve been led on a roller coaster ride, partly of my own accord and partly by the other party.
Twists and turns, ups and down, loops and straight tracks.
The whole thing is a big mess when you look at it.
The cart sped upwards at high speed, way too fast for my liking, and I clung on tightly so that I wouldn’t fall off, so that I could tell myself to calm down and not be scared. The track ahead was loopy and twisty, and although I couldn’t see that with my eyes shut I knew it was coming.
A sudden drop let my heart lurch from its place, sent my stomach into knots and let my hair down. I flew downwards, and even though it went down but the momentum somehow allowed the cart to go up again. That was because I was fixed in my place in the cart, and what I had started, perhaps I had to end it off.
Yes the cart did go up and down a few times. It twisted at the weirdest times I never expected, letting my heart sink more and more. I allowed it somehow; my heart tore each time the cart twisted, and when it looped I really thought I’d fall to my death. The blood has rushed to my head, and my heart was throwing itself in all four corners of its own boundary. It couldn’t stay as a whole in the centre. The ride was at an extremely high speed, and the time on it was short. Only the straight paths made me feel at a temporal ease.
I didn’t know when it ended, I still don’t know when the ride ended.
I found that word as I was searching in my mind dictionary. Perhaps it was a bitter sorrow I felt and I found the word for it. I’m glad I found something which could (a little more) accurately describe how I feel, so I’d be more aware of myself. I can’t lie to myself anymore – I faced it, even if it was within these few weeks or just a few hours since yesterday, but the tears shed and the bitter pain at least let me assure myself of something. Something that maybe, just maybe, I might like to forget.
I’d say everything was bittersweet. The ride was bittersweet.
But I don’t regret it; at least I don’t think I will. As quoted from a book ‘The Top Five Regrets of The Dying’, ‘it’s important to remember that whatever stage we are at in life, there is no need for regret. The process of regret is one that provides nothing but suffering for ourselves as we begin to allow the past to dictate how we should feel now.’ Sure, I might not be the emotionally healthiest or the happiest person living on earth, but I’m still fortunate enough to have found what I wanted, to still have for now, in a sense, that special something, and I’m sure I’m not the saddest person on earth. To see things positively, there’s a slight relief because of something sparring against what I wanted, even though that isn’t something I wish for. I can temporarily allow what has happened to affect me now, but it’s something worth monitoring – it shouldn’t keep up for too long. Bitterness in the heart just isn’t healthy and it isn’t worth harbouring because the only person it affects (negatively) is yourself. Bitterness may lead to hatred, and while for me that’s something I definitely don’t want and will guard against, I’ll be actively fixing things up one by one. It’s a long process where people say ‘time heals’. I hope time will heal.
I lost a few battles, but one battle which I can conquer is myself. The battle against self-understanding, realisation and acceptance is a long process which one can only conquer from within. I have heard people say that one must fix oneself before allowing others to fix you – that’s true, because you can only change yourself, and while others around you can support you, help you and advice you, ultimately the only thing you can change is yourself. You find an inner peace, a higher self-esteem, a stronger confidence and a positive outlook within yourself. I haven’t found all, that’s for sure, but who says you need everything to live? You need some for emotional health, and there are important ones in helping you get through life, but frankly you don’t need all. You don’t have to make yourself out to be someone you want to be, someone you think is ‘good’. Because what defines good?
I appreciate the experience I had, which led me to understanding a lot of issues which I was quite immature in. I realised a lot of things throughout the roller coaster ride, and while I found out different things about myself, I got myself someone whom I can trust, someone unique to understand, and someone to… love.
It’s when you’ve seen the best and the worst of someone but still love them for just who they are.
I won’t talk about that.
The memories I have won’t be erased. They serve as an experience, a reminder, and admittedly they’re fondly close to my heart as of now. But it’s not something I think I have to forsake for my own good – I feel that’s it’s a strengthening process everyone has to go through, and slowly I’ll find myself from it.
‘You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.’
Whatever happened yesterday didn’t hit me till this morning. Sure, I was beginning to feel traces of bitterness from hours after the incident, but it was only this morning that the hard truth and unhappiness hit me hard right when I woke up – it’s the beginning of a new chapter, a new day, a new beginning. Time will go on, life will go on, everything will go on as per normal. It’s whether I have the strength to carry myself through it all, break through whatever that seems different in my floundering state, and emerge better and happier. I believe in things, or rather sometimes I choose to believe in things that mightn’t seem possible, but dreaming is natural and I’m not forsaking any dreams just because one thing has led me down.
This is the beginning to a long period of normalcy and hectic schedules – yes while I’m glad it’ll keep me at least a little busier and a little more active, I also wish for some time to just think and reflect. I don’t mind letting things out to myself, and while I can’t say much to anyone I can be at peace with myself. What people think and feel about me and things are not as important as how I see myself. There’re more troubles and relief coming my way – I just had information today about something supposedly relieving, but I don’t know whether it’s good or bad for me. Either way it’s going to affect me, it’s going to change things, and I’m going to have to accept it. I have to; I have no choice, no option.
Life is not long. Live it while you can, and live it well.
I’m just hiding, I guess; within such a short time so many things have happened. It’s not even a month, barely two months, and my life has gone on a roller coaster ride.
I’m afraid. Afraid of the final, final outcome.