Beyond

Even when things somehow hurt beyond the point of comprehension, find a way out.
Find a way to cope with it, to deal with it, and to live with it. It’s best not to run away but that’s really hard to do.
What should I do when almost every part of me is in a mess, when there’s nothing I can do to help myself out of it except to let time heal it all, and all I can do is try to cope with everything?
There’s something happy that I’m having now, but aside that everything else isn’t exactly colourful. I’m starting to dislike things I never really felt strongly about, and starting to have to deal with some new problems that surfaced, and to top it all I’m forced to do something I don’t want to do and don’t feel like doing. Something I lied to myself probably since 10 years ago, something I kept up with due to the environment I grew up in, but something I never really liked. Never really wanted to do. I told myself I’d be fine doing it, and I probably would, but each time I just dislike it more and more. And that’s the current way of coping with things, or if I might use another word, escapism.
I know where and why I’m screwed, but I don’t know why it hurts just to do the things I always did. It hurts to bear it alone, to bear with whatever physical and emotional pain alone. Nothing’s done to help me soothe the pains. I’m supposed to trust and have faith – yes, I know that, but how long do I have to bear this? How much do I actually have? I realised recently that there’s a lot to me that I don’t like, but they’re things I’ve been blessed with, so I can’t complain (not really, I’m thankful for them) and I can’t say I don’t want them, but they’re just annoying at this point in time. I’ve figured many things out, and there’re new things hitting me. I realise, to a large extent, that I’ve been bearing a heck lot of things alone for so many years, and I’ve to bear with more now, all even more, maybe for the rest of my life. Now can I actually take that? Is the relief I feel all meant to be temporal?
There’re many self-help ways, and I’ve tried some of them, and even the supposedly most effective method, but right now I still feel screwed and messed up in some way. I’m whole in general, quite satisfied with some things, but there are parts I have to rectify, and those are the parts which still hurts a lot. It’s been so long, and some are new and futuristic, but I don’t understand why. Why it hurts during moments like this, when I should be happy and am happy in some ways, and right when I’m stressed.
It’s just one of those nights when I’m thinking a lot, when I’m just alone to lone and think. I have work to do but I’m reflecting a lot and I’m having new realisations.
I definitely need a way out, a better way to cope with this. There are ways I could start trying three weeks from now, but more problems will surface before I even finish what’s important right now.
I’m not trying to be stuck in the past, but I’m trying to free myself from it. I know what’s good and what’s not, but knowledge alone isn’t going to help – anything is easier said than done. Effort’s needed, and that’s how it gets really exasperating when no matter how much effort you’ve put in to change things, they don’t seem to work out the perfect, exact way you want them to. You get something out of it, but is that something enough?
For me now, yes… and no.
Various reasons why yes and why no, but things still need to be better. Better for the better good, better for the sake of a better me. Let the good shine, let the true positivity take over from within. I’m tired of keeping up a positive front because I know that saves me from everything. I have to admit that admitting the harsh, sorry truth to myself isn’t something I like. But it’s something I do so at least I know myself better, but it hurts. Hurts a lot. My heart is throbbing jerkily; it’s struggling to survive within a somewhat satisfactory environment, survive when things are good and when things are bad. I don’t know how to say how I am now. I’m good to go. I’m happier. But besides that I’m also sad, frustrated and some really pent-up feelings I dislike and can barely grasp.
I don’t like what I have to bear with now. I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way.
Maybe it’s going to be a repeat of the worst time I faced roughly two years back?
I don’t want to die again.
I can feel the vines wrapping itself around me… Let me out before it entwines itself around my neck.

In the dark room there’s only one window. A window looking out into the meadows stretching miles and miles, beyond where the eye can see. The door is locked and I’m locked inside. The room is nearly bare – there’s no food or drinks, there’s a chair, a pillow, rope and a broken bottle.
I’m alone in the room and I can’t get out. It’s dark and musty and I want to breathe fresh air. I can do that by leaning out the window but that’s tiring and I’m still cooped up inside. The only way out is through the only square window in the room. But I’m quite high up, at least three storeys above the ground, and I can’t jump out nor climb down.
I want to escape. Whether I’ll escape physically or spiritually that’s my choice. Whether I choose to use the rope to somehow reach down somewhere or I choose to use it to let me hang from my neck, that’s my own decision to make.
Whether I’ll choose to use the pieces of the broken bottle properly to do something to escape, or I choose to let it sear through the layers of my skin, that’s another of my own decision to make.
Whether I’ll be sleeping on the pillow forever, or using it to cover my nose, that’s a decision for me to make too.
There’re two options to everything – find a way out, or perish under it all. Which should I choose? Which would you choose?
I love the warmth out on the meadow – I want to be outside with my love, playing and enjoying and being happy, instead of being miserable alone in my room with four walls around me. The cold walls are hugging me tightly, but I’d rather be in the warm arms of my love. Anywhere but where I am now.
I don’t understand how I got here. I don’t know why I’m locked up in some room I don’t even know where, and why the room’s locked in the first place. Where’s the key to the old door? Where’s the sound of life outside the door? At least someone could supply me with food and drinks, but I’m not hungry – I just want to get out. It’s even better being a sheep munching on grass the whole day outside, it’d still be better than being imprisoned within myself.
I’ve thought of everything I could think of. I’ve even tried looking for a trap door or some strange escape route. It’s an old room, growing with age just like I am, but no matter how old it is it’s annoying that there isn’t a single ivory growing on the walls outside, and the walls outside remain smooth and straight so that I can’t attempt an escape.
Trapped. Locked alone. Imprisoned. And the sun is still shining through my window.
Who’s going to come and save me?

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