All in a big mess

Oh the confusion.
Control is really hard, isn’t it?
Especially from desires and temptations.
When you don’t have it you don’t understand others and why they do something. But when you actually have it you start fighting against your own desires because you really treasure it and like it.
I found that out quite recently, when I did something against my own wishes, when I couldn’t stop myself from that truth even though I tried so hard to. It’s really, really difficult. It hurts. It’s a bitter struggle against pushing away what you want. A horrible and possibly losing fight. But I have a question to myself, which is, should I win the fight? Or lose it? What was it for in the first place? What do I gain by winning or losing? By obtaining it or turning it down? Why is it so difficult to even find something concrete in my dilemma?
I have too many unanswered questions.
Haunting me.
Pulling me down.
Lifting me up?
Pulling me back.
Crushing me?
Or bringing some hope?
I’m lying to myself, really I am. I can’t see the truth because I’m blinded by my own lies. I think I don’t want what I really want. I want what I might not really want. The contradiction in me is far too huge; something so intangible it can’t even be detected. The confusion is escalating. Accumulating doubts. Clarity. New realisations.
It is now I realise, I don’t know myself.
Controlling has been really hard, and I feel as if I’m giving way when it’s just fresh. I don’t know if giving way should even be the right thing to do, or if I should continue resisting, letting time do whatever should come my way. Or if this is what fate and destiny has brought me to, that I should accept this and stop resisting. But in the first place I need a definite, steadfast reason to accept or decline.
I hate this confusion, this dilemma, this uncertainty. It might drive me nuts one day when it might be a good thing.
I need more. Much more. Much more to make me certain. I need Him to tell me what’s the right thing to do.
Please, let me.

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